The moment she became a widow, the world kept turning, but hers came to a screeching halt
I unexpectedly became a widow in October 2019.
Everything in my familiar world, from the routines, the rituals, the rhythm of daily life, suddenly became foreign. I was expected to make immediate decisions, answer questions that I didn't know, and function while my nervous system operated in survival mode. And somewhere beneath all the shock of it all, I'm quietly wondering: How do I even begin to carry all of this?
Alex's death and the perpetual rounds of paperwork from bank notifications, setting up new health insurance, appointments to the social security office, and creating a living will now as a solo parent prompted a whirlwind of heavy processes. There was no time to rest for this widow. I recall even hours after his passing that there was an inquiry of organ donation and I had to make a decision right then and there. I wasn't prepared any of it. I was still in a state of disbelief from hearing of my husband's sudden passing just hours earlier.
Looking back now on 6.5 years later, there were things I wish I knew in early on grief and so I share this as a fellow widow and a counselor who has specialized in grief since losing her childhood sweetheart, husband, best friend, father of her children, and simply a good man gone too soon.
Finding steps to move forward gently, honestly, and without guilt.
First and foremost, my words of guidance for the early on widow start with this: You don't need to have it together. You don't need a plan. You just need permission to be exactly where you are.
More than likely, the loss of our dear spouses will vary from one another. Some widows will go through anticipatory loss while others will experience sudden news and an unexpected death.
If there is something I've come to realize about loss and talking with many widows in counseling and group sessions, our reactions to grief can be quite similar. Feeling overwhelmed, racing thoughts, dwelling on the death, feeling guilty for many reasons, restlessness, exhausted, irritable, crying jags, difficulty focusing, forgetfulness, loss of motivation, and the list goes on.
Here are 5 absolute things that I would recommend for the widow in early grief:
1. Accept Help Without Apology
Asking for help was never a strong suit of mine. I felt a sense of pride to take on the tasks and if offered, I would simply reply, "I'm okay." Listen, in grief, you are not okay. Your world most likely stopped spinning at the news of your spouse's death. People may come offering their support and if/when they do, please take it!
When someone offers to pick up groceries, watch your kids, or sit with you in silence say yes. Trust me, your brain and body are offline right now. You're running on fumes, and that's not weakness. That's grief doing what grief does.
Consider help in any way possible at this time.
Help can look like the following:
Fill out thank-you cards
Relay messages to others (appoint a family or friend as your spokesperson)
They can run errands
Get the cans to and from the curb
Mow the lawn
I would be remiss not mentioning help can absolutely look like someone simply being present without needing you to perform.
Why it matters: Accepting help isn't burdening others. People are compassionate and want to help and it's giving them a way to love you when words fail. Plus, it protects your already depleted energy for the harder work ahead.
2. Find One Steady Source of Support
You need more than casseroles. You need consistent, grief-literate support. Early widowhood can feel isolating, especially when friends don't know what to say or slowly disappear. That's why connecting with others who get it is critical.
Consider joining a widow support group (online or in-person) Also considerworking with a grief counselor or coach who specializes in loss. Finding a spiritual guide or holistic practitioner who honors your process can be so impactful too.
Why it matters: Grief isn't something you "solve." But having a space where you're not the only one carrying this weight changes everything. Aligning with supports affirms you're not alone and that you never were.
3. Understand What Grief Actually Is (and Isn't)
I want to clear something up: Grief is not a problem to fix. It's not linear. It doesn't follow a timeline. And it sure as hell doesn't fit into those five neat stages we hear about. Grief is a whole-body response to the rupture of your familiar world. Oh yeah, it's emotional, but it's also physical, cognitive, and spiritual.
As previously mentioned, you'll feel exhausted even after sleeping. You'll feel foggy or forgetful even mid-thought. Numb one moment, flooded the next, and feel disconnected from yourself. Please know that this is normal. Your nervous system is trying to catch up to a reality it never prepared for.
What grief isn't: It isn't something you "get over" by a certain date. It is not like getting over a cold or flu (take something and you'll feel better!) It is not a sign by any means that you're weak or broken. Grief is simply an emotion that requires constant processing, and truth is, I am still working at it over 6 years later.
Why it matters: When you stop treating grief like a problem, you stop fighting yourself. You can finally just breathe.
4. Set a Gentle Boundary Around His Belongings
Oh this one....people will ask about his things. It'll feel awkward. I've had people show up at my front door, knowing Alex's business and inquiring about his things because it was overheard in a local diner that he suddenly died. They'll wonder when you're "ready" to clear out closets or donate clothes. Here's the truth: There is no urgency. Read this again. There is no urgency. You don't owe anyone a timeline. Not for sorting. Not for letting go. Not for anything. You have permission to do what feels right and on your terms only.
What to do instead: Designate certain areas or items as off-limits for now. Let trusted people know: "I'm not ready to talk about that yet." Give yourself permission to keep what brings comfort and release what doesn't and only on your terms. And if people play with your heartstrings because it would mean so much to them to have something of his, please take a breath and reply "I will keep you in mind when I am ready, thanks."
Why it matters: Holding onto his shirt or keeping his coffee mug isn't denial. It's honoring what was. And when you're ready to shift things, you'll know. Until then, protect that space.
5. Give Yourself Permission to Just Be
This might be the hardest one. You don't need to make sense of this. You don't need to be productive. You don't need to "get back to normal." The truth is, 'normal' won't exist the same way it once did.
What you need is rest.
Early grief scrambles everything from sleep, appetite, focus, memory. Your daily functioning will be off kilter for an undetermined amount of time. And your body is trying to regulate after the profound shock.
So if "just being" means: Closing your eyes for 10 minutes instead of sleeping through the night, sipping tea instead of eating a full meal, and breathing slowly instead of journaling, then know that you are doing just enough. Some days you'll do more and some days much less. Whatever pace you are at, you're doing the best that you can and for that, I am proud of you.
Grief takes takes time, support, and a whole lot of self-compassion.
Early widowhood isn't about "bouncing back." It's about learning to carry the weight differently. And that takes time, support, and a whole lot of self-compassion. You're doing better than you think. Even on the days it doesn't feel like it.
You Don't Have to Do This Alone If you're a newly grieving widow and you're ready for support that honors all of you: your grief, your love, your exhaustion, and your quiet hope, I'd be honored to walk beside you. I offer grief counseling, grief intensives, and monthly free widow and widowers support groups where you can show up exactly as you are. Click below to schedule a free consultation call and learn more about I can support you.
No pressure. No timelines. Just space to breathe, heal, and remember you're not alone.
Jaclyn Hoffman is the founder of both Shore Awakenings & Soulful Journeys, two healing spaces where those touched by grief come to feel seen, supported, and empowered to live fully again. As a licensed counselor and grief coach, she blends evidence-based practice with heart-centered guidance to her work. Join her community at www.jaclynhoffman.com
Outside the office, Jaclyn enjoys spending time with her children and fur baby, Zen. Taking on glamping adventures and getting outdoors to immerse herself in nature’s landscapes fills her cup.
For Informational and Educational Purposes Only.The content published on the Shore Awakenings & Soulful Journeys blog is intended for general informational and educational purposes only. All articles, posts, guides, and resources are written to offer support, insight, and encouragement to those navigating grief and life after loss and do not constitute professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment.